The Dainty Days
  • Blog
  • About
  • YouTube
  • Gallery


         
   





​The Dainty Days


​

(mama mia) Here I Go Again

5/12/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture
As opposed to the well-known "daddy issues" (how did Demi make this seem enticing?), I've got mommy issues. It's not something I often share on here, but I figured now is as good a time as any to open up. 

My childhood is largely a blur. I took PSYCH 101 so no worries, I know memories are as messed up as we are. A lot of our "memories" have actually been misremembered, implanted in our minds via stories (so not really memories at all), or are largely false. Or maybe trauma led you to block some of them out. I can hardly remember anything that's gone badly in my life, but I do remember how I felt in the aftermath.

My mom left when I was in 7th grade (or was it 8th? I wasn't kidding about not remembering much). I will never fully understand whatever was happening in my parent's marriage at that time, and I know I'll never be able to truly grasp the conditions surrounding her flee from our house. I had a super easy breezy childhood, with the nuclear family much intact. I'm sure we had normal hiccups like the rest of the families on this planet, but I remember being pretty happy. Once she was gone, it was like a chasm opened up and a brand new reality tumbled out. 

I could dive as deep as if you were my personal therapist, but I think that's for another day. As you might imagine, I have some trust issues with mommy dearest. She has some issues as well, of a rather different variety...but to be fair don't we all? I won't pretend to understand why she is the way that she is, but my love and respect for her has been punctured in a multitude of hurtful ways. Good interactions were closely followed by negative ones, and without getting too deep--I'm a bit guarded with her now. It's the only way I can feel safe.

​
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Proverbs 4:23
While I try to extend the same grace which has been afforded me, I am human and fail on the regular. I want anyone out there who also agonizes in the Hallmark aisle for a card which reads "You scarred me and left but I hope you have a good Sunday and that one day I don't hurt quite so much." rather than the "YOU DA BEST MOM EVER!". Just know that you're not alone and neither am I. Maybe next year I'll have unpacked this baggage to a place where those cards don't make me roll my eyes (or let's be honest, cry right in public like a psycho). Maybe I'm immensely unfair and I'll never know that she was fully justified in doing exactly what she did. All I am certain of, is that I am who I am because of each and every thing I've endured, and I like that person. This life has brought me surrogate mommas in the most important ways. So here's to my biological mom and every other woman who's filled in the holes she left in me--

Happy Mother's Day!

You really are amazing. I admire you, I thank you, and I hope you know that even if you messed up along the way--so did everyone else. Motherhood is such a selfless state (one I've clearly never entered the ranks of so I promise I'm no expert), but I know that one day I'll carry along a bit of wisdom from each mom who's treated me like their own. 

Love,
​Ashley



​
1 Comment
Emma link
5/12/2018 08:50:28 pm

Sister I love you even more for writing this. You're a girl after my own heart with your vulnerabilty and your raw realism. I applaud this post bc you have said a very difficult thing very well. You're actually inspiring me to write more, bc I blog in my head way more than I blog on my blog anymore. Although I can do nothing but look at my own mother and hope I end up like her when I'm a grown up, I know many women who feel like you do—and may we give a comforting nod to that woman who is agnozing in the Hallmark aisle and understand her a bit more, bc of your honesty.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    Ashley

    Behind the dainty days is a whole lot of planning. And coffee.
    Here is a look at both, and everything between.

      wanna hear from me?

    Subscribe to Newsletter

    Archives

    February 2021
    December 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    October 2019
    February 2019
    October 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Blog
  • About
  • YouTube
  • Gallery