(mama mia) Here I Go Again

As opposed to the well-known "daddy issues" (how did Demi make this seem enticing?), I've got mommy issues. It's not something I often share on here, but I figured now is as good a time as any to open up. 

My childhood is largely a blur. I took PSYCH 101 so no worries, I know memories are as messed up as we are. A lot of our "memories" have actually been misremembered, implanted in our minds via stories (so not really memories at all), or are largely false. Or maybe trauma led you to block some of them out. I can hardly remember anything that's gone badly in my life, but I do remember how I felt in the aftermath.

My mom left when I was in 7th grade (or was it 8th? I wasn't kidding about not remembering much). I will never fully understand whatever was happening in my parent's marriage at that time, and I know I'll never be able to truly grasp the conditions surrounding her flee from our house. I had a super easy breezy childhood, with the nuclear family much intact. I'm sure we had normal hiccups like the rest of the families on this planet, but I remember being pretty happy. Once she was gone, it was like a chasm opened up and a brand new reality tumbled out. 

I could dive as deep as if you were my personal therapist, but I think that's for another day. As you might imagine, I have some trust issues with mommy dearest. She has some issues as well, of a rather different variety...but to be fair don't we all? I won't pretend to understand why she is the way that she is, but my love and respect for her has been punctured in a multitude of hurtful ways. Good interactions were closely followed by negative ones, and without getting too deep--I'm a bit guarded with her now. It's the only way I can feel safe.

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"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Proverbs 4:23

While I try to extend the same grace which has been afforded me, I am human and fail on the regular. I want anyone out there who also agonizes in the Hallmark aisle for a card which reads "You scarred me and left but I hope you have a good Sunday and that one day I don't hurt quite so much." rather than the "YOU DA BEST MOM EVER!". Just know that you're not alone and neither am I. Maybe next year I'll have unpacked this baggage to a place where those cards don't make me roll my eyes (or let's be honest, cry right in public like a psycho). Maybe I'm immensely unfair and I'll never know that she was fully justified in doing exactly what she did. All I am certain of, is that I am who I am because of each and every thing I've endured, and I like that person. This life has brought me surrogate mommas in the most important ways. So here's to my biological mom and every other woman who's filled in the holes she left in me--

Happy Mother's Day!

You really are amazing. I admire you, I thank you, and I hope you know that even if you messed up along the way--so did everyone else. Motherhood is such a selfless state (one I've clearly never entered the ranks of so I promise I'm no expert), but I know that one day I'll carry along a bit of wisdom from each mom who's treated me like their own. 

Love,
​Ashley


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